OK so i know why I'm feeling like this lately
let me catch you up... I have been feeling as though i am very alone, and i have just been feeling like i NEED to have someone in my life, this used to me a feeling i had whenever i was single before going out with Michael, there is one thing that i am still very thankful for why i fell in love with Michael , after me and him were apart. i had changed that "needy" part of me, you would think that it was the opposite after you break up with someone. But that's just another way to express how NOT normal my life is.
but now I'm like it again, at first i thought it was just because valentines day is coming up but... everyone knows that valentines day is just a made up holiday that people put out there so they have another day to get gifts. so now that i realized THAT excuse was out the window I've looked deeper into WHY THE HECK I'm like this...
.. Because I'm not on fire with God anymore
it's not like I've been doing horrible things in my life, or that i haven't been going to church... i honestly can't tell you the reason why but i know God has a plan, i send morning text messages every morning, i just sometimes wish someone would say something back to me. April mills does, it just seems like.. i don't know when i talk to her about stuff I'm being selfish, cause she always talks about how she has stuff to talk about too with her friends and she just doesn't.. so i feel obligated to me happy Go-Lucky Alex around her and have her always talk.
andd... i always feel retarded and redundant always having boy problems..
anyway, back to what i was saying..
...God, if you are seeing me type this, which i know you are... I'm sorry. i want to be on fire for you. I've tried. i have prayed about praying. i have God, give me something, or have you been giving me stuff, am i just not looking, because I'm too wrapped up in my own self pity. and when i go to Skycrest on Wednesday i love it, that's the place where i know i can always count on God to be. just lately we have been talking about world issues. and i feel super super selfish when i say this but... i want to help others. and yes i want to change the world. i just want to be on fire again, i want my flame to be lit like it was at leesburg during the fall retreat.
i know i have been drifting away from alot of people lately.
i just don't want to break around people.
and... i feel like people just don't want to be around me.
but that's just another insecurity i have to deal with.
I've been keeping busy all the time to cover up the things that make me lonely, and not it's all just over powering my life... so much to blog about and such little time.
I'll keep you "posted" (no pun intended haha)