Ok, so my song the week if definitely beauty from pain by: superchick.

just saying. you should listen to it.

anyway. good things today, very good.

so i won a poetry contest, actually that's a lie. BUT i DID get 3rd place and a pink cow that poops candy.

yeah, i take pride in plastic pooping cow so what?

ANYWAY. and i got 13 roses. kinda excited.

so much for hating valentines day right? also, I've gotten back in touch with DJ, the kid from the summer, the one who was the start of everything going BA-Zerk. it wans't HIS fault. but those of you who know the story. you know. and i don't really know if this is a good or bad thing at the moment, cause i mean. he's not the mushy, cheesy, get in your pants kinda guy (not to me)and he said i was his angel cause i helped him with his life during the summer. and that's pretty much the only nice thing he ever says to me but idk if he realizes how much that means to me you know? like calling someone your "angel" ... BIG right? it's not like i like like him. cause i don't. i just want to know if letting him back into my life is good for me or not right now.

i feel as though i like being hectic right now. i have a very good source of "hectasy" in my life to make me fulfilled at this moment. i don't know why i was complaining before. :)

oh and thanks Neil. i loved the message this Wednesday

morning text getters

you have noo idea how you telling me how my texts help you everyday make me happy. i only send it to 20 people. and thank you for appreciating it. and not just reading it and being like "stupid Alex, Jesus is for kids" (derived from "stupid rabbit tricks are for kids") i feel as though, i know this may sound silly, but that i have kind of maybe something I'm good at doing, by spreading Gods love. which is a very big goal of mine.

so thank you. and have a wonderful (still hallmark Holiday) valentines day.

yours truly.

valentines day is coming up... Oh goody goody gun drops.

not..

you know that song "can't buy me love" by The Beatles?

well, what its really doing is tearing this holiday to shreds.

congrats, dear friends.

now, note to self: stop giving boys false hope of me liking them.

i wont.

i can't.

I've tried.

and I've seen no point.

the end.

still be my friend please though.

so funny story of the week

Saturday night, gaspirilla.. my mom is very drunk by the end of our night in ybor, and nick is the designated driver. so while we are driving down the highway in Tampa, my mom proceeds to throw beads out our windows in hopes of making it into my uncles car.

well needless to say people's aim is not very good while intoxicated.

but it was fun.

it made me laugh.

i know, but i don't

OK so i know why I'm feeling like this lately

let me catch you up... I have been feeling as though i am very alone, and i have just been feeling like i NEED to have someone in my life, this used to me a feeling i had whenever i was single before going out with Michael, there is one thing that i am still very thankful for why i fell in love with Michael , after me and him were apart. i had changed that "needy" part of me, you would think that it was the opposite after you break up with someone. But that's just another way to express how NOT normal my life is.

but now I'm like it again, at first i thought it was just because valentines day is coming up but... everyone knows that valentines day is just a made up holiday that people put out there so they have another day to get gifts. so now that i realized THAT excuse was out the window I've looked deeper into WHY THE HECK I'm like this...

.. Because I'm not on fire with God anymore

it's not like I've been doing horrible things in my life, or that i haven't been going to church... i honestly can't tell you the reason why but i know God has a plan, i send morning text messages every morning, i just sometimes wish someone would say something back to me. April mills does, it just seems like.. i don't know when i talk to her about stuff I'm being selfish, cause she always talks about how she has stuff to talk about too with her friends and she just doesn't.. so i feel obligated to me happy Go-Lucky Alex around her and have her always talk.

andd... i always feel retarded and redundant always having boy problems..

anyway, back to what i was saying..

...God, if you are seeing me type this, which i know you are... I'm sorry. i want to be on fire for you. I've tried. i have prayed about praying. i have God, give me something, or have you been giving me stuff, am i just not looking, because I'm too wrapped up in my own self pity. and when i go to Skycrest on Wednesday i love it, that's the place where i know i can always count on God to be. just lately we have been talking about world issues. and i feel super super selfish when i say this but... i want to help others. and yes i want to change the world. i just want to be on fire again, i want my flame to be lit like it was at leesburg during the fall retreat.

i know i have been drifting away from alot of people lately.

I'm sorry.

i just don't want to break around people.

and... i feel like people just don't want to be around me.

but that's just another insecurity i have to deal with.

I've been keeping busy all the time to cover up the things that make me lonely, and not it's all just over powering my life... so much to blog about and such little time.

I'll keep you "posted" (no pun intended haha)