reach. for. the. beauty. in. life.

Monday, January 18, 2010

dude, OK well this long weekend i had allot to think about.. i had allot on my mind and started blaming it on God... here's my deal.. well whenever i start to like i guy i always think well... "I'm ready, this is going to be a healthy relationship, God wants this..." OK well i hope I'm not the only person who tries to make all their situations sound better than they really are.. but anyways... Then once i say.. this isn't going to be like the last time, this boy isn't going to hurt me.. God decides to say "hey Alex, yeah you COULD be this boys girlfriend but i really want you to just be their FRIEND right now, they need you as a friend." seriously.. it's a cycle that's been going on in my life.. and every time...EVERY TIME... since I'm too nice i don't remind them of all their broken promises of liking me, and all their empty spaces of sadness i now possess because I'd fallen for them i say " everything OK, I'll always be here for you" (almost word for word over and over again) but this time it was just like WHY CAN'T I JUST BE HAPPY GOD! and i wasn't myself.. i was saying and acting on things that just my old self kicking in, it was the girl i promised myself...And God that I'd never be again... this is when i had to make the decision if i wanted to go camping with my church.. Anona. i really really didn't feel like it for several reasons.
  1. i just wanted to wallow in my self pitty all weekend
  2. the good ole exams that were braking me
  3. i wanted to hang out with that STUPID guy who was making me upset
  4. sometimes that church makes nothing better, its just a drama zone
  5. people were going who i knew lets say... didn't like me very much

and all this was over thrown by this reason

  1. God was telling me too

so yes, i went.. and yes.. their was drama... but also yes.. there was God. and my friends who can talk to me for hours and just listen to me rant. i knew that I'd have to come back to my world in just 2 days, but I'd come back more sturdy and ready for life's little challenges... so i want to say thank you to Kristen, Kristin, Krissy, and Rachel for being their when i needed someone to talk to. and just listening.. and also all the other people who helped me this week.. like April, and my dad... even though sometimes I'm stubborn, i love the advise you give me.. it's hard to realize God is their, always... not matter what.

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