reach. for. the. beauty. in. life.

Monday, January 18, 2010

dude, OK well this long weekend i had allot to think about.. i had allot on my mind and started blaming it on God... here's my deal.. well whenever i start to like i guy i always think well... "I'm ready, this is going to be a healthy relationship, God wants this..." OK well i hope I'm not the only person who tries to make all their situations sound better than they really are.. but anyways... Then once i say.. this isn't going to be like the last time, this boy isn't going to hurt me.. God decides to say "hey Alex, yeah you COULD be this boys girlfriend but i really want you to just be their FRIEND right now, they need you as a friend." seriously.. it's a cycle that's been going on in my life.. and every time...EVERY TIME... since I'm too nice i don't remind them of all their broken promises of liking me, and all their empty spaces of sadness i now possess because I'd fallen for them i say " everything OK, I'll always be here for you" (almost word for word over and over again) but this time it was just like WHY CAN'T I JUST BE HAPPY GOD! and i wasn't myself.. i was saying and acting on things that just my old self kicking in, it was the girl i promised myself...And God that I'd never be again... this is when i had to make the decision if i wanted to go camping with my church.. Anona. i really really didn't feel like it for several reasons.
  1. i just wanted to wallow in my self pitty all weekend
  2. the good ole exams that were braking me
  3. i wanted to hang out with that STUPID guy who was making me upset
  4. sometimes that church makes nothing better, its just a drama zone
  5. people were going who i knew lets say... didn't like me very much

and all this was over thrown by this reason

  1. God was telling me too

so yes, i went.. and yes.. their was drama... but also yes.. there was God. and my friends who can talk to me for hours and just listen to me rant. i knew that I'd have to come back to my world in just 2 days, but I'd come back more sturdy and ready for life's little challenges... so i want to say thank you to Kristen, Kristin, Krissy, and Rachel for being their when i needed someone to talk to. and just listening.. and also all the other people who helped me this week.. like April, and my dad... even though sometimes I'm stubborn, i love the advise you give me.. it's hard to realize God is their, always... not matter what.

Monday, January 11, 2010


well, i guess sometimes in life you gotta get over the bad things right?
if life was easy where would all the adventures me?

it's just hard to realize that when all you can see is the bad things.
i know i have to keep on going.

"stand in the rain, stand your ground. stand up when it's all crashing down. stand throught the pain, you won't drown. and one day whats lost can be found. just stand in the rain." - super chick.

Saturday, January 9, 2010


OK, well yesterday i felt so oddly content. i didn't feel like i NEEDED to hang out with someone on a Friday night. i was just kinda stuck at school but I'm was fine with that. so i started walking. and i really don't know where i was just walking then i ended up in a park, i know your thinking... is she telling a whole novel... just bare with me. well anyway I'm in the park and not to mention it is about 48 degrees outside and I'm alone. BUT i was content. well after a while i thought i was going to get raped so i headed back to the school, but that's besides the point. the point was i got to see beauty and just take a break from my busy life for about 2 hours. also, lately I've been figuring out who my real friends are.. it's not like I've been getting in fights with people to make me not like them. it's more of a who's always going to be there. i can't really describe it. it just is. maybe this 2009 it's telling me to really figure out things... i hope so.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

rules and regulations

dude, so when i first started telling myself to make a blog i was like OH who's gonna read it man, I'm excited, i have to make my life fake exciting like i ALWAYS do on myspace/facebook.. secretly.. but then i realized nobody gives 2 swines about MY life and the long things I'M posting about your day, its like myspace bulletins, nobody REALLY cares if your life is good, so now I'm sitting here saying, well I'm glad i can just do this for me. just for me.well i mean others may read it, but I'm not gonna post "I LOVE____ " over all of is, so if you think I'm going to give you some kind of shout out, just exit this tab now. this is the beginning of something new, lets try it out :)