so most of the time i don't really care what people say about me because they don't know me, when they say i'm fake and a huge flirt, but after a while when people tell you this, you have to think it's for a reason, but i have done NOTHING to make these people post annonomously rude things about me on my formspring, so all i'm left to believe is that i guess i'm really not that great of a person. i wonder what my real friends think. i know to my face they will say i'm fine and to tell everyone else to shove it who are saying these hurtful things but what about when i'm not there to listen to their response? will they still say that? I guess i am just looking too much into things. i gave it to God and thats all i really can do right, well 3 more days until my party and 6 more until my actual berfday. (:

to be or not to be alex

am i just imagining things or am i becoming a loner?
i have to stop feeling sorry for myself and just look at the happy.
i used to be all about the happy
always-happy-Alex.
where's that Alex now??
well people got really annoyed with that Alex, and thought she was on crack
but Alex was happy being that Alex.
i think that Alex Needs to stop over thinking things. stop over thinking people's opinions about her... i hope Alex reads this and agrees..

OK so I've been going through a stage where i just really want to get my act together and really focus on my future and my goals. (the 73% in chem. isn't helping.. stupid Mrs. brown) and i don't know what the heck i want to do in my life. it's not the fact that i don't know that's bothering me, it's the fact that i have big dreams... we're talking Broadway, musician, peace corps, art/musical therapist, a missionary in Uganda. and people just have been working their whole lives for these goals. and are REALLY good at them, because they are just so hard-core on knowing this stuff, but me.. I'm just whatever about the whole thing. and all the GO-GETTER'S are gonna get the job/college/life that they want and I'm gonna be stuck in no-where land with my coffee mug behind some insurance guys desk. if you ever want to reach me in 30 years just call 1-800-life's-a-fail. I'll be happy to chat. oh yeah also i am secretly obsessing over if I'm getting fat. i know i know you ALWAYS hear girls say "ooh I'm so fat" when they are like size negative zero, but I'm foreal. and it is scary. AND my party is coming up soon, and I'm like okkk well nobody has RSVP'D soooo, is nobody coming? what if nobody shows up? how horrible? that is like sadly a huge nightmare of mine.

i always feel like i am so on fire fore God, and then sometimes not at all. i love talking to this girl April mills about my problems, with God, cause she seems to understand. but i always think she's too busy, cause she is. and i love talking to Kristin, but she always Say's something to lighten the mood, and sometimes i don't want my mood lightened. i just want someone to listen, i feel distant. and i always tell my mom everything. but now that my parents are divorced. it's hard to do that when you don't see her for a week. well i don't know. i just don't know.

so, I've decided to give up myspace/facebook for lent.

it was very easy when i had lots to do

but now.. it's like omg what to i do with my life?!

see what this world has come to! lol well anyways. just letting you, well really myself know that there is, and never will be any more nick Waite. he wasn't who i thought he was, and apparently i wasn't even his friend. i know wah wah Alex no big deal. i know. but I'm just sayin'

OK

bye

ha ha

Ok, so my song the week if definitely beauty from pain by: superchick.

just saying. you should listen to it.

anyway. good things today, very good.

so i won a poetry contest, actually that's a lie. BUT i DID get 3rd place and a pink cow that poops candy.

yeah, i take pride in plastic pooping cow so what?

ANYWAY. and i got 13 roses. kinda excited.

so much for hating valentines day right? also, I've gotten back in touch with DJ, the kid from the summer, the one who was the start of everything going BA-Zerk. it wans't HIS fault. but those of you who know the story. you know. and i don't really know if this is a good or bad thing at the moment, cause i mean. he's not the mushy, cheesy, get in your pants kinda guy (not to me)and he said i was his angel cause i helped him with his life during the summer. and that's pretty much the only nice thing he ever says to me but idk if he realizes how much that means to me you know? like calling someone your "angel" ... BIG right? it's not like i like like him. cause i don't. i just want to know if letting him back into my life is good for me or not right now.

i feel as though i like being hectic right now. i have a very good source of "hectasy" in my life to make me fulfilled at this moment. i don't know why i was complaining before. :)

oh and thanks Neil. i loved the message this Wednesday

morning text getters

you have noo idea how you telling me how my texts help you everyday make me happy. i only send it to 20 people. and thank you for appreciating it. and not just reading it and being like "stupid Alex, Jesus is for kids" (derived from "stupid rabbit tricks are for kids") i feel as though, i know this may sound silly, but that i have kind of maybe something I'm good at doing, by spreading Gods love. which is a very big goal of mine.

so thank you. and have a wonderful (still hallmark Holiday) valentines day.

yours truly.

valentines day is coming up... Oh goody goody gun drops.

not..

you know that song "can't buy me love" by The Beatles?

well, what its really doing is tearing this holiday to shreds.

congrats, dear friends.

now, note to self: stop giving boys false hope of me liking them.

i wont.

i can't.

I've tried.

and I've seen no point.

the end.

still be my friend please though.

so funny story of the week

Saturday night, gaspirilla.. my mom is very drunk by the end of our night in ybor, and nick is the designated driver. so while we are driving down the highway in Tampa, my mom proceeds to throw beads out our windows in hopes of making it into my uncles car.

well needless to say people's aim is not very good while intoxicated.

but it was fun.

it made me laugh.

i know, but i don't

OK so i know why I'm feeling like this lately

let me catch you up... I have been feeling as though i am very alone, and i have just been feeling like i NEED to have someone in my life, this used to me a feeling i had whenever i was single before going out with Michael, there is one thing that i am still very thankful for why i fell in love with Michael , after me and him were apart. i had changed that "needy" part of me, you would think that it was the opposite after you break up with someone. But that's just another way to express how NOT normal my life is.

but now I'm like it again, at first i thought it was just because valentines day is coming up but... everyone knows that valentines day is just a made up holiday that people put out there so they have another day to get gifts. so now that i realized THAT excuse was out the window I've looked deeper into WHY THE HECK I'm like this...

.. Because I'm not on fire with God anymore

it's not like I've been doing horrible things in my life, or that i haven't been going to church... i honestly can't tell you the reason why but i know God has a plan, i send morning text messages every morning, i just sometimes wish someone would say something back to me. April mills does, it just seems like.. i don't know when i talk to her about stuff I'm being selfish, cause she always talks about how she has stuff to talk about too with her friends and she just doesn't.. so i feel obligated to me happy Go-Lucky Alex around her and have her always talk.

andd... i always feel retarded and redundant always having boy problems..

anyway, back to what i was saying..

...God, if you are seeing me type this, which i know you are... I'm sorry. i want to be on fire for you. I've tried. i have prayed about praying. i have God, give me something, or have you been giving me stuff, am i just not looking, because I'm too wrapped up in my own self pity. and when i go to Skycrest on Wednesday i love it, that's the place where i know i can always count on God to be. just lately we have been talking about world issues. and i feel super super selfish when i say this but... i want to help others. and yes i want to change the world. i just want to be on fire again, i want my flame to be lit like it was at leesburg during the fall retreat.

i know i have been drifting away from alot of people lately.

I'm sorry.

i just don't want to break around people.

and... i feel like people just don't want to be around me.

but that's just another insecurity i have to deal with.

I've been keeping busy all the time to cover up the things that make me lonely, and not it's all just over powering my life... so much to blog about and such little time.

I'll keep you "posted" (no pun intended haha)

dude, OK well this long weekend i had allot to think about.. i had allot on my mind and started blaming it on God... here's my deal.. well whenever i start to like i guy i always think well... "I'm ready, this is going to be a healthy relationship, God wants this..." OK well i hope I'm not the only person who tries to make all their situations sound better than they really are.. but anyways... Then once i say.. this isn't going to be like the last time, this boy isn't going to hurt me.. God decides to say "hey Alex, yeah you COULD be this boys girlfriend but i really want you to just be their FRIEND right now, they need you as a friend." seriously.. it's a cycle that's been going on in my life.. and every time...EVERY TIME... since I'm too nice i don't remind them of all their broken promises of liking me, and all their empty spaces of sadness i now possess because I'd fallen for them i say " everything OK, I'll always be here for you" (almost word for word over and over again) but this time it was just like WHY CAN'T I JUST BE HAPPY GOD! and i wasn't myself.. i was saying and acting on things that just my old self kicking in, it was the girl i promised myself...And God that I'd never be again... this is when i had to make the decision if i wanted to go camping with my church.. Anona. i really really didn't feel like it for several reasons.

1. i just wanted to wallow in my self pitty all weekend
2. the good ole exams that were braking me
3. i wanted to hang out with that STUPID guy who was making me upset
4. sometimes that church makes nothing better, its just a drama zone
5. people were going who i knew lets say... didn't like me very much

and all this was over thrown by this reason

1. God was telling me too

so yes, i went.. and yes.. their was drama... but also yes.. there was God. and my friends who can talk to me for hours and just listen to me rant. i knew that I'd have to come back to my world in just 2 days, but I'd come back more sturdy and ready for life's little challenges... so i want to say thank you to Kristen, Kristin, Krissy, and Rachel for being their when i needed someone to talk to. and just listening.. and also all the other people who helped me this week.. like April, and my dad... even though sometimes I'm stubborn, i love the advise you give me.. it's hard to realize God is their, always... not matter what.